So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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