I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
sex in a hospital.. check
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I believe in your delicious
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
