How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
