I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
