So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
