I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
