I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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