i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
