I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
