There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
