You're my little dorito
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
