is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
