i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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