Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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