Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
