so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
