Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Drunk is not a location!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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