she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
this beer tastes like vomit already
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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