please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
