i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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