I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
