Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
