Soap is not a condiment
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
