You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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