booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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