she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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