Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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