M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
