Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
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