Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
