is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Of course I have a pirate flag
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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