if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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