Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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