U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
