our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
