did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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