I am puke
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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