I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
