can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
