Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You're a waste of cheezeits
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
