No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
