she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Randomize
