Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
