Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
