Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
