Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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