Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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