Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
