The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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