i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
